The Canada Recreation and Progress Association (C.R.A.P.a) today announced the opening of the Hope Bay Toxic Dump Amusement Park. Serving as a testing ground for innovative rides and refreshements, its success will be watched closely by other parks and dumps across the country.

Rides at the new park include the "Catch an Oiled Buzzard Challenge," the "Creaky-and-Leaky," "Surf the Effluent," and the much anticipated "Instant Suntan."

"I am just glowing about the new recreation opportunities available to consumers here at the Toxic Dump park," said Luke E. Dolar, C.R.A.P.a. spokesperson. "Since we've opened the park this morning, we have already seen twelve genetic mutations. What other park can say that?"

But the park does have its opponents. Crazy Carl, a local handyman and public flatulator, says that the park is stealing his ideas. "I have been amusing the local children for years with my audible discharges of intestinal gas. Now the bigwigs come down from their high horses in Wiarton and steal my show. It's just not right."

He is not alone. Dr. Fakeobson, a local dietician and head of the Ontario Styrofoam Boat Club, has mixed feelings about the new park. "On one hand, the water makes my boat dissolve in a matter of seconds. On the other hand, there is now plenty of free food floating in the bay. I just hope it's Kosher!"

Only time will tell if Canada's latest project translates in to real progress. One thing, however, is for sure. Costly septic tanks are a thing of the past.